How to Create Peace In Your Home When Your Reactions to Quarantine Clash

by Lisa C. DeLuca, LCSW-R

Are you dealing with quarantine and the coronavirus pandemic by taking long breaks from the news or not watching it at all and trying to focus on normal life? But your partner is constantly calling your attention to the latest data, disturbing your peace and stressing you out?

Or are you dealing with Covid by staying informed and combing the internet for new stories? Are you trying to discuss these with your partner but your partner is annoying you by changing the subject and asking you to turn off the TV?

Different people approach crises in different ways. If these strategies are helping you cope and reducing your anxiety, neither one of you is wrong! Here’s how you can put up with each other while you are stuck together sheltering in place.

First, know that you are both trying to accomplish the same thing, to “desensitize” yourself to the crisis. Desensitizing means to keep your stress level manageable, feel competent and function well.

When some people immerse in the news they become desensitized and this makes them feel well prepared for whatever is to come. They come to “know their enemy” and that knowledge is power to them.  For this person, having no or little information is likely to cause more stress.

But you have to know how much is too much for you because people can and do become more anxious and depressed with excessive news watching.

For others, exposure to bad news floods them with too much stress making it hard to think straight. This person needs to maintain their strength by focusing on positives or normal life, and look at the harder side of the news in small doses and stay away from sensationalistic negative news pieces. This is how they desensitize. Doing it the other way would “re-sensitize” them (increase stress and decrease coping).

It’s the difference between someone who dives head-first into the cold bay vs. the one who stands seemingly forever in the water up to their ankles talking about other things, and then moves slowly up to their shins and knees and eventually gets in and swims. Neither way is wrong, they both end up in the same place.

Second, realize that the very thing that is frustrating you about your spouse right now may be the same thing that first attracted you to them. The person who wades in slowly might have loved the way their spouse, when they first met them, was so knowledgeable about everything! Or on the flip side, the person who immerses may have admired how their partner was so able to stay positive and not get bogged down in negative details. This could have been very sexy and appealing at the time!

When opposites attract, the traits that attracted you to each other often become a source of frustration from time to time.  It’s just that in difficult times when there is a lot of togetherness, your opposite ways of being can affect each other negatively.

People often choose a mate who approaches crises in a different way than they do. This can be a huge benefit from a safety perspective.  Having different approaches usually means that you each have different skill sets. It makes you more flexible as a couple in an actual emergency. The more skills you have between you the better because one moment in time may call for knowledge while another might call for distraction or patience. This also can benefit your children. If both spouses respect each others’ differences and don’t trash talk the other, the kids will have the freedom to benefit from both parents instead of just one.

Many people cope better with these circumstances by keeping some things in mind:

Knowing that the reason for the frustration is simply that your different coping styles are bumping up against each other often helps relieve frustration all by itself.

Respecting and accepting each other rather than trying to change each other in any relationship often increases peace and lessens conflict.

Peace in the house begins with each person being peaceful themselves. So respecting and accepting one’s own needs, embracing what helps and protecting oneself from things that cause harm is as important as respecting other peoples’ need to do this for themselves. In these times of togetherness in the home it can be  everyone can get most of what they need by simply being conscious of this.

People who focus on what they can do for themselves rather than waiting for others to accommodate them, often do better in an immediate crisis.

People can learn when their own stress tolerance fluctuates. For example, some people can’t hear bad news first thing in the morning, but they are more open later in the day. Planning accordingly can be helpful.

If you or a family member are experiencing stress that is just too high to be able to do any of this, it may be time to get help. Many therapists are utilizing video and telephone sessions and are available to help. If anyone in the house is feeling hopeless, wanting to hurt themselves or others, or acting erratically call 911.

Copyright Lisa C. DeLuca.